


toska

by paraboia



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Canon Compliant, Child Abuse, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Recovery, killuas slowly recovering but hes very much Not Okay, kind of, likw really im sorry abt this angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 22:52:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13063839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paraboia/pseuds/paraboia
Summary: Sometimes Killua thought he was going to wake up in his old bedroom, and Silva would give him a mission, and Illumi would give him a beating.





	toska

**Author's Note:**

> this is really angsty, please make sure u read all the tags and dont read if any of it will trigger u

Leaving Kukuroo Mountain, Killua felt like he should be relieved. Instead, he felt the same way he used to when his family would him a new poison his immune system was unprepared to deal with. Now that he'd finally gotten away from his family, he was waiting to be snatched up by them again.

He could vaguely hear Gon talking about visiting his aunt—Mito—once he'd defeated Hisoka, and made himself nod. It was hard to focus on anything other than the weight in his stomach and the roaring in his ears. Still, he noticed the worried looks Gon shot over his shoulder every so often, and he way Kurapika and Leorio tried not to stare too hard at him.

He needed to do better than that. Killua asked Gon what he wanted to do next.

* * *

Inside the suite in Heaven's Arena, Killua was surrounded by empty chocorobos. There was a pile of unopened ones within his hand's reach.

He opened a new one, staring at the bland wall in front of him. His eyes were empty, his head was empty, his stomach felt ready to explode. Chocolate fell into his open mouth when he tilted the chocorobo back. It didn't taste nice anymore. It burned in his mouth and felt bad going down. Killua tilted the chocorobo back again.

Empty.

He reached for another.

* * *

When Killua watched Hisoka and Gon fight, he felt like he five years old again, and Illumi had left his room late at night and left the ghost of his touch behind. Hisoka was looking at Gon. He was looking at Gon the way Illumi had looked at him and Killua felt—

—sick.

He could feel Illumi's breath in his ear and he couldn't look away.

Gon had punched Hisoka in the face. Killua had punched Illumi in the face before. It had hurt his hand, and after that more than just his hand had been hurt.

Gon was going to be hurt after this, he knew it.

After it was all over, Killua looked down and his leg was bleeding where he'd dug his nails in.

* * *

Sometimes Killua thought he was going to wake up in his old bedroom, and Silva would give him a mission, and Illumi would give him a beating. Killua avoided sleep until it interfered with his perception skills.

When that happened he would slink into Gon's bed like a beaten dog and sleep next him. When they woke, Gon wouldn't say anything and neither would he.

* * *

Mito loved Gon. The moment he saw her, he knew it. It was—different than the love he'd seen his own family.

He hoped Alluka would get to know love like Mito's. He hoped he would get to know love like Mito's.

Gon smiled at him, and he thought that maybe it wasn't quite the same, but he might already know a real kind of love.

For the first time, he really, _truly_ , felt like maybe he wasn't living on borrowed time away from his family.

* * *

Before they got caught by the Phantom Troupe, Killua had felt his heart palpitating, and he had heard Illumi's voice telling him to run away from foes stronger than himself.

He was too slow.

When the blonde woman reached an arm over his shoulder, he didn't hear her question over the thundering in his ears.

Her arm was Illumi's, and a bead of sweat dripped down his forehead as he tried to retreat inside his mind. Before he could, his shoulder was being shaken, and the blonde gave him a look of abstract pity before she repeated the question.

This time Killua heard her, and she seemed disappointed when she told her accomplices that he knew nothing. She took her arm away from him, and didn't make any other attempts to touch him.

When it became apparent that she was a mind-reader, there was a moment when Killua was overwhelmed with the knowledge that. She knew. She knew. She knew she knew she knew she knew she knew she knew she knew she knew she knew she knew she—

Killua took in a deep breath, and hoped Gon hadn't noticed he'd almost broke down. He hoped Gon hadn't realised Kurapika was the chain user. He hoped he'd be able to protect Gon.

* * *

When they met up with Kurapika, he had changed. He was more distant, angrier, and Killua couldn't help but hope that Kurapika could find someone who'd help tie him down to Earth like Gon helped Killua.

In the end, they went their separate ways, and Killua could feel a gnawing anxiety tear up his stomach that he wouldn't.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading even tho this is so sad. idk when ill post the rest, i only wrote this bc my head was gonna explode if i didnt get this out, so hopefully i wont get so emo for a while.


End file.
